Tomorrow I am going away. I will probably be back. But there is always the chance that I will not be coming back, ever. Maybe I will die, maybe I will live there now, maybe I will run out of money somewhere in between and get a job in some weird place and my life will be forever altered. I could stop into a little pastry shop for a coffee because I have plenty of time to kill before my train leaves. I would probably sketch some of the stuff outside, as is my custom at sidewalk cafes. They will be cramped for seating and the waiter will ask me if I mind very much to share my table with this beautiful young lady. I will graciously stab him in the eye and insult him in a very complicated and methodical way. He will shuffle back to the kitchen and the other kitchen staff will peer out of the cellar door at me. They will do it in a way that will appear as several heads stacked atop each other. I will then do some quick origami with napkins and then be on my way. But just as I am a few blocks down the way the manager will grab my shoulder and say, “EXCUSE ME SIR. Are you the man who stabbed my waiters eye just now?” I will admit to it at which time we will offer me a job. “I am looking for an eye stabber like you,” he will say. “We get a lot of rude customers and waiters also and I need someone who can give them a good stab in the eye. I have all sorts of pointy sticks you can use or if you like you can just use a fork. You see, it intimidates, I like that.”

The Plot
Ok, here is the plot: I got a tub of frosting and also one of those frosting cans where the frosting comes out like whip cream. I bring them to work in a separate bag from my lunch. So then at lunchtime I get my bag of frosting out of the fridge in the break room and when “they” ask what I am having for lunch… “Frosting, that’s all I eat now is Frosting.” Then later after everyone else has already gotten their lunch I go back and get my real lunch. I keep using the same frosting every day. It is starting a real buzz of chatter and people saying things behind my back. I imagine that they are making me out to be some sort of frosting eating super hero, or humming bird. I like when people look at me from a distance and then later they attack me.

Jail...Florida....
So I was thinking that maybe instead of working hard in life I should go to jail. I won’t do any of that work in jail stuff because that stuff is for guys who want to get out early. I will just live there. Make a career of not doing anything. They will pay my rent and cook for me etc. I suppose that I will need to get pretty good at fighting before I go but that shouldn’t be too hard. It will surely be a lot easier than regular living... I suppose that I could also go live in a resort. Maybe what I really want is to retire in Florida! Jail...Florida....Jail.....Florida it's just that the Florida one is so much more work.

country clubs
It has recently been insinuated at work that I don’t belong to the ‘right’ “country clubs”. Well that’s true enough, I don’t belong to ANY country clubs. This statement was made to me using an odd enunciation and then confirmed by others with nods and sidelong glances. Just then I recieved an urgent message from my soul that read, “Get the hell out of here!” I decided to hold off on that against the pleading. Somehow I feel that they mean something more than just country clubs. I do think they mean I need to join big money country clubs, but I think they mean something more than just that. I’m not sure what though, but I am intrigued. Could they mean they have a secret club that meets in the back of a little known Russian Deli and practices putting on romantic puppet shows for kids with handicaps?

So I have this friend who is getting married. I am not going to try to talk him out of it, but what a retard. I can’t imagine why after seeing all of the evidence against marriage being a good idea people still do it. It makes me feel like humans, as a group, have no control over themselves. I don’t know anyone who has been married for more than 5 years and is happy about it. People who have been doing it for 40 years are in a different category because divorce used to be looked down on a lot more harshly than it is now. Back then people just lived with their unhappiness and pretended to be happy. It is my opinion that that is the only way that what we know as marriage can work. But we don’t do that anymore, now we just get divorced.Let’s look at it another way. I have a product to sell you. It is VERY expensive and time consuming. It only works for half of the people who try it and even then it does not work all the time. It will be VERY difficult and expensive to get rid of and if you do manage to get rid of it you will be left with feelings of guilt and shame. On the off chance that it does work there may be brief periods of happiness as a result but they will be short-lived. In addition this product will make it difficult to do a lot of the things you want to do. Still interested? ….Sucker!